So this thing called life...that shit is hard. Not always, but sometimes. When you're ready to shed skin and times they are a changing, then yes, that shit is hard.
The last few weeks have had me in the ring, bare knuckle fighting with myself, the highs and the lows coming with alarming frequency. A veritable roller coaster that I was not prepared for.
My mind has been alive in my dream state with images that I don't recall being there before and I am trying my best to remember and decipher with no real progress.
Yesterday was a new low, I think i lay on my bed for hours just staring into space and asking, praying for the next step however small to be made apparent. Then today rolls around and I woke up opened one eye and hoped that maybe I could make it through the next few hours relatively unscathed.
Up early, walk the dog. I followed the homeless chinese man up vermont watching him talking to no one, ok good, i am not doing that yet but I don't judge and I don't think that that might not be me if I'm not careful. Get home and send 100 e mails. Make tea and my bed, do some social media stuff and then get ready for a meeting that i am not sure is happening yet. Pack up my stuff and call a friend "want to come to a meeting and go for a walk on the beach?" "Yes, sure" OK good, I head out and pick up said friend. Chat for a bit about how I am feeling and receive only love. Blessed.
Head out to the meeting and another friend calls, she has been thinking about me and wants to let me know that i
can do this, that I can throw myself into the abyss and be safe, that I am loved. Once again, Blessed.
Make it to the meeting on time and find a girl I haven't seen for ages also in attendance. The atmosphere is upbeat and warm and I sell 8 dresses. Gratitude.
OK, let's go for that walk and get food. I settle with the god friend into a cafe on the broad walk and we watch the wonderful crazy unique lunacy that is venice. A piano player plays, a girl hula hoops, I stop and cuddle two gorgeous pit bull puppies. Then a very dear family friend passes by and we harangue him into joining our merry band for a while to continue the wandering.
He joins us and once again I launch into my monkey chatter about the old ways not working, about the skin shedding and my need to realise some dreams. He listens and suggests meditation, is generous and kind. Blessed.
We walk and the sun begins to set, we look at a Frank Gehry house, a guy on a bike in full winter gear, listen to some reggae, dance for a moment and part ways.
Now the sun is setting and my friend and I sit in the grass and imagine parallel universes, we acknowledge all the people we have never seen before and will most likely never see again. A beautiful boy on rollerblades passes us and laughs when he catches us watching. He is from manchester so stops to chat because I am English. He is a soccer coach and in LA for a few days hanging out. He has to go and return his rented skates. As he heads off my friend shouts after him "I believe in you", without skipping a beat he shouts back over his shoulder, "I believe in myself" It was a beautiful moment. Let that be a lesson to me "I believe in myself" Yesssss
Another quick drink and we head back to the city. Van Morrison is playing on the stereo and we bob our heads and sing along. Thanks Van Morrison you are a poet.
I drop my friend home, thank god for you.
Driving back i am almost home when I see the homeless chinese man crossing the street in front of my car, he stops to pick up a piece of paper and moves on.
Now I am home, with my faith restored, a little burned by the sun and a shift in perspective.
Days like today remind me that I can do this, that there is magic to be tapped, that I believe in myself.
Long may it last. xx